Sorry for no post yesterday. I was occupied.

I was occupied by a giant road trip that I felt the need to undertake. It was a basic necessity and I had to do it. So I gathered up all my most needed staples and jumped into the Blue Bullet and jaunted across the country with a single task in mind.

After a friend of mine suggested I discuss the possibility that beer prices will be going up and what that could mean to our already fairly depressing economy, I decided that I needed to drive to a major brewery and debate the situation with the CEO of that company. The company will remain anonymous so that they don’t feel bad about the situation. Or so that I won’t get sued for publishing this very realistic exchange between myself and he. Or she. It was tough to tell what gender they were.

Let us get to the transcription of that dialogue.

And this was hastily churned out after I reviewed my notes from the trip. Notes which I only kept in my head, and sort of on a small notebook. So there wasn’t very much room for notes. In the notebook. Not my head. That is immense. In my own mind.

**************************************************************************

First off, I walk into this giant building that just smells of awesome. Now, I’m not entirely sure what awesome smells like but it has to be a little bit like the odor that this place gives off. Something like the pure cross between money and fermenting alcohol.

As I walk into the building, I am first confronted by a frail looking secretary that cheerfully greets me and asks my name and my business there. She is far too cheery and I fight off the urge to relate all of the horrifying details of the world in which she lives just so that I can bring down her level of joy.

I respond that I am ‘Pete’ and I am there to interview their CEO about recent allegations of sexual misconduct with a turkey. She stares back at me more than a little strange and pushes a magical button on her console that conjures up the voice of somebody that seems to be a little menacing.

I was not able to dissect the conversation that she had with the menacing voice but she immediately shepherds me away in the company of a pair of large people with the destination either the office of the CEO or a place where I am going to get whacked about the neck and shoulders with large sticks.

Luckily for me, it was the office of the CEO. And not the whole getting whacked about thing.

I plop my delectable tushy (and it is delectable and you all know it) down in a comfy chair across from this enormous desk full of family pictures and large trophy-type things. By the way, his wife was hideous. Like a troll with a tube top on.

Anyhoo…I sit down and wait for the boss person to show up. As it turns out, this person was not quite the intimidating presence that I thought he would be. His voice did not match up with his physical appearance. It was kind of like seeing the voice of James Earl Jones in the body of Warrick Davis. If you don’t know who those people are, just Google them.

I flip out my notebook that I carry with me everywhere and begin to conduct what I deem to be a very compelling interview with this person of power.

Me: I would like to thank you for seeing me. This is a very special moment in my quest to be a real writer.

CEO: You mentioned something about allegations about turkeys?

(His voice was incredible though…like a deep base with a sort of resonance that just sticks with you. I was immediately enjoying this conversation and I decided at that moment to try and get as many words out of him as I possibly could)

Me: That was just a front. I needed to hornswoggle your secretary so that I could get in. I want to talk to you about your product.

CEO: What the hell does hornswoggle mean?

Me: I’m not sure. But I’ve heard people use it in a connotation that seems to indicate that they have fooled someone else. Plus it has more two syllables and that kind of word tends to confuse most people.

CEO: Interesting. But I must give you credit here for getting past her.

Me: Thank you. I do what I can. Now, on towards the problem at hand. You are sure you are fine with this impromptu interview?

CEO: It is not a problem. We like to see what our consumers are thinking.

Me: I’m not a consumer of your product.

CEO: Excuse me?

Me: I’m not a consumer of your product. I don’t really like beer that much. It kind of makes me sick and causes me to have really weird dreams. Like dreams about snakes and above ground pools and pregnant farm animals. I’m more of a liquor guy these days.

CEO: Uh…what? Then why…

(I cut him off before he can derail my train of thought. We just can’t have that sort of rudeness while I’m trying to ask him questions and detail my fascinating life.)

Me: A friend of mine thought this would be a fun topic. And I needed a road trip.

CEO: Well…

Me: So, you realize that if you raise beer prices you will be forever hamstringing a very large portion of the population, don’t you?

CEO: What?

Me: You are putting a potentially life-threatening damper on a certain demographic. You know it.

CEO: I don’t really understand. We are recognizing the fiscal responsibilities of continuing to brew our product and taking the appropriate measures to keep our product at its highest level of quality. And keeping our employees taken care of because they are very important pieces of our operation.

Me: You are still killing a large portion of the population. And that was a very eloquent response. I’m getting a little jittery here just thinking about your business-babble.

CEO: I still don’t understand what you are talking about.

Me: Ugly people. If you raise the price of beer, you are hurting the ugly people.

CEO: How is that even remotely relevant? And it seems a little crass to refer to people as ‘ugly.’

Me: Shall I explain?

CEO: Please do.

Me: They won’t get to have sex anymore.

CEO: I’m confused.

Me: I’m sure that you are. Allow me to continue.

CEO: If you feel that you must.

Me: Ugly people need alcohol. They need it to have sex. As we all know, alcohol lowers the standards of what kind of person you look for and it also lowers the inhibitions. If you jack up the price of beer, ugly people will no longer have the chance to hit on other people.

CEO: Ugly people don’t need alcohol to have sex.

Me: So you are admitting that there are ugly people in the world?

CEO: No…

Me: Anyway, there have also been multiple studies done that people deemed ‘pretty’ by society also make more money than others. Which means that ugly people are also less financially well off. Therefore, they can’t afford to pay for beer if the prices are jacked up. You are denying them a basic human right.

CEO: I’m…what right is that?

Me: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Beer makes people happy. Of course, some people just get angry and say stupid things and pick fights but most people just get happy and loud. And that is happy. Now that I think about it, I have a suggestion for you.

CEO: I’m not sure that I want to know.

Me: I’ll tell you anyway. Can you put some sort of special chemical in the beer that will make everybody happy when they drink?

CEO: I’m not sure that kind of thing actually exists.

Me: I’m sure that it does. I’ve seen movies. They exist. How else could Tobey Maguire become a superhero? Or Edward Norton become the Hulk? There are chemicals that can do amazing things. You must have some of them.

CEO: Are you right in the head?

Me: I think so. (His eyes are darting about furiously at this moment as he is looking for a way out of this conversation). But that is not the point. Where do you keep your funny stuff? You have to have some sort of secret lab where people design these things.

CEO: We don’t really do that.

Me: Okay. (I wink furiously at him). Is it possible to find a way to inject the flavor of cheese or bacon into your beers? Because that would make them like a little meal every time you pop open a can.

CEO: I think I have another appointment to get to.

Me: Is it in the secret lab? (I wink again). Where they inject cheese, bacon and happiness into beer?

CEO: Is that my pager? (He says as he fumbles around his desk trying to look busy, all the while furiously punching a series of buttons).

Me: I’m sure it is. (I am quite sure that at this point he is secretly contacting his security members with some sort of mind control powers that he puts in his beer.)

CEO: Well…it was nice to meet you.

Me: You are still killing the ugly people. Let that soak in while you try to sleep at night. I hope you feel good about that.

CEO: Um…sure.

After I stood up and tried to slink out of the building, the same pair of menacing people that escorted me down the hall to the CEO’s office, greet me as I exit the door to the office and they rather rudely hustle me out of the building. And by ‘rather rudely’ I mean that they tossed me out of the door to the building in the same manner that you would toss a hay bale onto a flat bed.

I dusted myself off and then reviewed my notes and tried to determine what it was that I learned from this meeting.
******************************************************************************

Okay…so most of that was false. In fact, all of it was false. It was just an excuse for me to be random again, if at least for a few moments.

So what did I learn from this ficticious (Is that even a word?) pondering of a trip based upon talking to beer people about why they might raise the prices of beer?

I did have a thought or two…

Such as…

A cheap six-pack of beer can cost five dollars, which might be rising, that can give you anywhere from a couple of good buzzes to one good buzz depending on your alcohol tolerance.

But for the same price one can also snag a bottle of booze that will give you the opportunity for several more buzzes.

Which means that beer companies will be wagering their profits on the fact that people love the taste of beer more than just getting a little chemical alteration.

And if all they care about is the buzz, then beer will go out the window because dollar for dollar, you can get more buzzes (and considerably less bloating) from drinking liquor rather than drinking beer.

Which will then cause all beer drinkers to either continue to pay for an expanded price of their beverage of choice or choose to dive into cheaper liquor and still enjoy a night out.

The decision is up to you. I will be going with liquor. Because I can.

That is my take. As weird as it was...and I'm sure it was pretty weird...and a little bit disturbing. But I'm okay with that.

This is Pete…

Over and out.