I realize that it is Friday and the Huskers play tomorrow. That probably means that I should give my thoughts on what will happen in the game and who will win.

But prognosticating is only fun if you are getting paid for it. And discussing what should happen based on previous results for both teams falls directly into the ‘Aurora Theory.’ Which means that if you try to compare games between teams in order to determine who will win is stupid. Because as we all know, they don’t play games on paper, they play them inside of television sets.

So I won’t be giving any insight into what could or might happen on Saturday when the Huskers play Virginia Tech. I am just holding out hope that the Huskers will win. And even if they don’t, I’ve grown past that part of my life where the victories or losses of a team dictate my mood the rest of the day or week.

Then what will we be talking about today?

The greatest Cheesetastic Action Films Ever…

Oh…freaking…yeah. I’m geeked up right now.

Cheesetastic action films are a fantastic way to waste a little time. Turn your brain off. Watch mindless action and lots of explosions. Hold out hope that there might be a little gratuitous nudity. Wish that there might be some body parts spraying about the screen. That is what Cheesetastic means to me.

All of that is awesome.

These won’t be indepth reviews of these films, if that is what you are looking for. I just wanted to make a list with a few blurbs about each film. If you haven’t seen these films, take a moment to either rent or buy them and just enjoy. Don’t watch these films on cable television unless they are on a movie channel. You don’t want to miss anything that the censors might lop out.

So let us get to the list…

Now, I couldn’t include the following films because they are either on another list I’ve made or I’ve already done a detailed review on them. Such as 300, Big Trouble in Little China, Doomsday and Predator.

So what was left?

15. The Last Boy Scout.
It has Bruce Willis. That is all you need to know. Plus he shoots a lot of people and then does a very, very white dance at the end of the film.

14. Demolition Man.
Sly Stallone and Sandra Bullocks team up to take down a odd follicle hued Wesley Snipes in a movie that is nothing more than explosions, dirty people, enhanced calm and Taco Bell food. What is not to like?

13. Escape From New York.
Kurt Russell kicking the crap out of all sorts of disreputable criminals housed on a penitentiary island that was once New York. And he was wearing an eye patch, which kind of makes him like a pirate. While that is pretty cool, it doesn’t make him as cool as a ninja because ninjas own pirates.

12. Universal Soldier.
Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren duke it out in a cheesenormous display of manliness. They might have actually been lovers who just fell out of sorts but the sheer amount of explosions and gun fire makes you forget all of that.

11. Con Air.
‘What is wrong with him?’ ‘My first thought is…lots (or maybe ‘a lot’).’ That would be my favorite exchange between two characters in this film. And it pretty much summed up the whole plot. Most of the people are so over the top that you can’t help but grin while watching. Plus you get Nic Cage with a fantastic mop of hair saving the world from John Malkovich in this little ditty.

10. Stone Cold.
It starred Brian Bosworth. The Boz. The evil linebacker from the University of Oklahoma tried to jump into the action film genre in this totally absurd film. But he beats people up, shoots guns and rides a motorcycle like the steroid-enhanced beast he was.

9. Under Siege.
It has to be cheesetastic if Steven Seagal actually picks up a former Playboy model.

8. The Transporter (All of them).
Jason Statham rocks the casbah in all of these hyper-kinetic films where he douses himself in oil, uses his shirt as a weapon and breaks a lot of bones. And because it is Jason Statham, we can believe it.

7. Bloodsport.
Jean Claude Van Damme shows up again as he grimaces, screams and does the splits in a film based off of an underground fighting competition. And I’m pretty sure that he uses Jedi-like powers to defeat a man with the largest man pecs I have ever seen.

6. Road House.
Ah…Patrick Swayze. You were the shizz. As the philosophizing bouncer you won the hearts of even dudes who have seen this film. And you tore the throat out of another combatant. Only Patrick Swayze could do that and make it justified.

5. Point Break.
Ah…Patrick Swayze. You were the shizz again in this film. As the bank robbing, surfing radical kind of dude in this film, you actually made Keanu Reeves look credible. And you made President Reagan a badass when you tore a swath of bank destruction across California.

4. Flash Gordon.
Flash! Ahh-Ahhhhhh! Defender of the Universe! You couldn’t find cheesier effects and dialogue anywhere in the world. Not even in a film from the SyFy (formerly SciFi) Channel or something that shows up on Cinemax or ShowTime after midnight.

3. The Beastmaster.
Marc Singer (the star of the 1980s series ‘V’) was the oiled up, loin cloth wearing, sword swinging and animal controlling star that saves the day and probably got a little jiggy with Tanya Roberts (Donna’s mom from ‘That 70s Show’) and that makes him awesome.

2. Red Dawn.
Ah…Patrick Swayze. You saved the world from the commies. Granted, you received a little help from Charlie Sheen (before he found a desire to schnog hookers), C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey and Lea Thompson in accomplishing this task. Still, there probably weren’t more than a handful of boys that grew up around this film that didn’t want to be Patrick Swayze after this film. And save the world from commies.

1. Shoot ‘Em Up.
The title says it all. The entire film is a spastic display of bullets, explosions and completely absurd action sequences. If you watch this film looking for deep story lines and subtle nuances that question the role of humanity in the universe, you are looking in the wrong place. This is the greatest ‘turn your brain off and just enjoy’ kind of movie in history.

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There you go. My favorite Cheesetastic Action Films.

Enjoy the weekend and Go Huskers.

This is Pete…

Over and out.