The Interweb is a beautiful thing. You can literally look up any topic on the planet and find things about what ever little curiosity you have. Granted, most people don’t actually use the Interway for research. They use it for free porn.

But not me. I love to learn new things by searching the webisphere.

But there are a few downfalls. Many of the sites are of questionable validity. Many of the facts are tenuous, at best. Anybody can start a webpage and begin to spew random things.

Even unemployed, mildly disturbed people.

It is with that in mind, I present you with today’s little item.

There are several incontrovertible facts or reports that you can find on the Intertube. They can be based on scientific studies, observed moments in history or just general observations from society.

And as we all know…if you read it on the Interthing, it must be freaking true.

And I will now list some of the recent discoveries I have stumbled across for you. Write these down and commit them to memory. They will eventually cure the world of all its ills.

And these may or may not be true. That is up to you to decide.

FACTS:

Watching reality television will give you herpes. Based on a study done in 2007 by noted scientific journal, Universal Scientifiosity.

Prolonged exposure to Eli Roth movies will cause your reproductive cells to spontaneously combust. This was learned from a detailed police report in Las Vegas where it was documented that six college students had their groin regions burst into flames after watching Hostel II. Since that moment, there have been forty-seven more documented cases of crotch combustion due to Eli Roth films.

Staring into the sun for at least one minute will raise your IQ by at least ten points. This was first reported by Spence Pratt and Heidi Montag after a trip to Jamaica. Immediately after telling this to reporters, they both thought they saw something shiny and rushed into the surf, only to hit the side of a speedboat and knock themselves out. So this report is tenuous in its validity, at best.

There is mounting evidence through extensive information gathering that wearing a baseball cap either with a flat bill or sideways will cause you to become sterile. But the reporting scientists also have stated this might be good thing.

And in a related study, wearing your pants so that more than half of your underwear is exposed causes you to look like an asshat.

A one year study, conducted by the National Advancement of Real Documentationing (or N.A.R.D), found that people who like Twilight are twice as likely to own and use gerbils in uses other than as pets. PETA is currently investigating this report.

You are three times more likely to struck by squid falling from the sky after they have been sucked up by typhoons if you watch Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy. This study was stumbled upon by the Oceanographic Institute of Phoenix after seventeen people were found unconscious and with rotting squid on their heads, all of them in their own living rooms and clutching a pillow with Rosie O’Donnell crocheted on the front. In each case, Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy was queued up on their DVRs. Conclusions were drawn. I’m just saying.

The World Association of Needed Knowledge (or W.A.N.K.) found that driving down small town main streets with an inordinate amount of bass blaring from your speakers does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a herpetophile, or a person that likes to molest reptiles. The study can be found at the Library of Congress, filed under ‘Why People Are Attracted to Scaly Things.’ Interestingly enough, there is also a section dedicated to Victoria Beckham.

A recent medical journal found that eating a case of Ho-Ho’s and drinking two liters of cola can actually produce enough thrust from the intestines that you can life yourself off of the toilet. Despite the evidence, this is not a recommended use of your time.

There are a dozen reported, although unsubstantiated, cases of people that were psychically lobotomized by walking within twenty yards of Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. Early evidence found that the brains of each of these people tried to strangle itself with the spinal cord after detecting a void in intelligence somewhere in the area. But as was stated, these hypotheses are pure speculation as of right now.

Eating a giant bacon cheeseburger and fries while downing a quart of Budweiser will cause you to sprout chest hair that forms the face of Harrison Ford. It means that your manly quotient just went up by a factor of a Fillion.

In a related study, it was found that eating a salad while drinking bottled water will cause your testosterone level to drop to Clay Aiken-esque proportions.

Fourteen separate studies were done, covering a three decade time span, that found overwhelming and conclusive evidence that metrosexuals are just dudes that just like to feel pretty and get their asses kicked way more than guys who are not metrosexuals.

The last little nugget I will give you…

A recently borrowed classified U.S. Government file let it be known that the movie Armageddon was actually a documentary filmed by an alien spacecraft, piloted by rogue genius scientists Jerry Springer and the musical group Dixie Chicks, that had been restored after it crashed in Roswell. Michael Bay was actually asked to view the complete footage and tone down the real explosions that were filmed. Mr. Bay was actually also asked to digitally alter the moments on the tape where the action seemed over the top. He actually made the movie more believable for all of us. The un-edited version of the film is said to be far too awesome for any mere mortal to watch. A great round of thanks should be given to Michael Bay for saving the frontal lobes of millions of people.



There you go. Just some new things for you to know.

This is Pete…

Over and out.