Okay…um…weird is all I could say when I read a certain article. That is how I will begin today’s little topic.

Sometimes I don’t choose topics. They choose me. And that happened last night as I skimmed through some of my favorite websites.

I had the worst case of insomnia last night and found myself wandering about the wonders of the Interweb at around 3 AM. I will be the first to admit that there are some terrifying things out there either that late in the night or that early in the morning. Not that those terrifying things aren’t there all the time. But they do seem all the more terrifying when you are quite possibly the only person up in the county.

And the great fun of it is that many of these terrifying things can be found on fairly upscale websites.

What I happened upon was a little article about Brazilian bikini waxes. Now, I know what you are thinking. I was being a perv and looking at disreputable websites. Nay. I was not. I was cruising through MSN’s website because they do have some decent stuff from time to time.

And I’ll even give you the chance to read the article and form your own opinions. Go on, read the damn thing and stop judging me. I’ve got all day to wait. Here is the link.

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100240299>1=31036

Now, don’t you feel silly for making odd assumptions about what I was doing?

But the article did raise several questions in my mind.

First, it is just a little disconcerting that you could actually die from that sort of thing. I am not mocking the plights of those women even the slightest. But there is a certain horror than can be derived from pouring scaling wax around your privates.

Which actually made me think for a minute that maybe people got the idea for this type of grooming by watching Basic Instinct. Or was it that crappy Madonna movie called Body of Evidence where they poured candle wax on people? Or should I not have mentioned that I’ve seen a movie with Madonna in it?

You didn’t read that last paragraph…

Second, that was just a little bit of an odd article to see on MSN. I didn’t expect to see the words ‘mucous,’ ‘pubic hair,’ and ‘genitals’ all in one article. It was like a hat track of fun words.

Third, why is it called a ‘Brazilian Bikini Wax?’ They can’t have been the first country or group of people to decide that smoothing up your nether regions was going to be all the rage around the turn of the century. Or were they? And who was the person that determined this? Was there some guy hired by a lewd agency whose sole job was just fly around the world checking out the grooming habits of various countries? Because if there is that guy or that agency, get me their number. Actually, I take that back. That would be a horrifying job. Imagine the nastiness you could witness. Just imagine it for a second and thank me later for putting that image in your head.

And then one day they stumbled across Brazil and said to themselves, holy crap, these people are as smooth down there are a bunch of Kens and Barbies and we should be doing this as well. I’m doubting that is the way it happened but that would be a fun background story if it were true.

So that set me off on another quest. I wanted more weird science articles so I hit up one of my favorite websites…Livescience.com.

And here is some other fun I found. I highly encourage you reading these articles to see some of the things that give me ideas for new stories and movies. Because all of these are amusing or at least interesting.

Does a 4-year-old Need a Cell Phone?
http://www.livescience.com/culture/090623-children-cell-phones.html
In more of the media incited panic we will instill in children these days, some advertisers were listed as claiming that having a cell phone for your child can give you a certain peace of mind. They designed cell phones with functions and ring tones specifically aimed at very young users. Like colorful buttons, flashing lights and happy ring tones.

Fantastic.

Because that is what this youngest generation really needs. It isn’t enough that every home has the possibility of possessing cable networks with a billion channels, the Interweb and more video game systems that any fifteen people need but now they can have a cell phone for those pressing moments while in kindergarten.

As if these kids needed another reason to sit on their ass and do nothing.

Boy Hit By Meteorite.
http://www.livescience.com/space/090612-boy-hit-by-meteorite.html
Did you read the article? Did you? Or are you just telling me that you did?

It doesn’t matter. The kid is fine. But I liked the article because they used the rarely seen scientific term ‘bejeezus.’ I had forgot that was a clinical term. Still, it just gives you another reason to never go outside and play. That was for all the fat kids with cell phones.

Curse Word on Roof Spotted from Space.
http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/etc/090612-curse-word-roof-spotted-from-space.html
Gotta give those guys some credit for that one. I now have the incredible urge to use a little weed killer to spray a rude word in a large grass field. Probably something like ‘nerglebutter.’ Because scientists would spend weeks trying to determine the meaning of it.

America's Loch Ness Monster? Or a Swimming Deer?
http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/090606-lake-champlain-monster.html
First of all, no matter how much I would like to believe that there are lake monsters all over the world, there is no such thing. And that makes me sad. But I must be honest. Because that is what I do. Honesty. Anyhoo, I loved how the article made note of the video stopping just before the creature came out of the water. Because it was a deer. Or a moose. Or a yak. Not a sea monster. But this kind of video footage does give people with shaggy hair and a wispy goatee or beard something to talk about while they are playing World of Warcraft.

U.S Shark Attack Capital Named.
http://www.livescience.com/animals/etc/090605-shark-attack-capital-named.html
I hate these articles. Because every single knuckle dragger in the world that reads this will declare war on sharks. And even though sharks scare the heebityjeebities out of me, they are still remarkable creatures and if I recall, they were in the ocean first. Now that I think of it, we should just feed all the knuckle draggers to them. I think I could come up with a pretty good list of people that would make good shark food.

World’s Oldest Woman Slips, Falls and Dies.
http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/etc/090511-worlds-oldest-woman-slips-falls-dies.html
I know in the recent light of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon and Billy Mays passing I shouldn’t make light of somebody dying. And I won’t. Not yet, but don‘t think that there aren‘t some jokes running around my head right now. Still, there is a certain amount of interest that can be gleaned from a 130-year old woman, yes 130, and what kind of things she must have seen and done. I must also admit that I read that article with a certain amount of dubiousness. I will need concrete proof from somebody in Kazakhstan that the woman was indeed that old.

Bee swarm descends on NYC store.
http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/etc/090524-bee-swarm-descends-nyc-store.html
Is this a sign that my proclamation of 2012 will proof false, that we really are getting ready for Armageddon? Should we be getting ready for the next set of plagues? And why is the name of all things George Lucasian did they decide to attack a video game store? That is just rude. Because video game stores either have really cool people like me in them, closet hot chicks that like video games or overweight, pasty guys that use terms like ‘pwn,’ ‘noob’ and ‘1337’ all the time and have never seen a member of the opposite sex naked in the flesh unless they were pressed up against a window somewhere. And as we know, attacking closet hot chicks is rude. And attacking fat, pasty guys is rude as well. They just stink up the joint with fluids when they are threatened. And attacking me is very, very rude. Because when I turn my hat around, it is like a switch. And you don’t want to see me angry. It is a great deal like a hamster being tazered on its little running wheel. Lots of flailing and noise.

Now, feel free to go on your own journey of interesting, random and useless crap.

This is Pete…

Over and out.