Sorry for the delay in posting today. I know my tens of fans are distraught that they didn't get a noon reading. But I've been painting my house in an attempt to make it more presentable. And impressive to people. And more likely to induce weird sensations to women.

Anyway, on towards the point of the day...

I know it is only the 2nd of July today but I’m not going to post tomorrow on this topic. And if I’m not going to post tomorrow then I’m certainly not going to post on Saturday. And why? Because I’m going drinking and eating charred flesh with people. And that, my friends, is what the 4th of July is really about. At least in my mind.

Okay, that is not entirely all the 4th of July is about. There is that whole thing about a bunch of guys who wrote one of the most important documents in history and then fought a war that they had no business winning, all with the intention of giving us the opportunity to live their lives as we so choose.

And believe me, I thank them for that.

But if you dare bring up politics and all that crap because I mentioned the Revolutionary War and freedoms, I will find a way to make your computer explode. I do have special powers. This is not the forum for political talk. This is the forum for my ramblings.

I must state that this is my second favorite holiday, only just behind Halloween. And Halloween is my favorite because of all of the horror films that get broadcast. Yay for Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter for the family gatherings that are inevitable but this one tops all of those.

I love the 4th of July.

The 4th of July usually brings about a week long or so bout of explosions, color and flashes of light and maybe flashes of cleavage. Just like a Michael Bay movie. And since I sadly tend to like most Michael Bay movies, this means that the 4th of July is a ton of fun for me.

People stand in the streets and detonate ordinance that is usually saved for people with military credentials. Things shoot in the air. Flashes of light. Loud noises. I love it.

Let me relate to you a few stories of just why I like this holiday so much.

Now, I realize that not everybody likes this holiday. And they are just wrong in the head. I knew a girl once that hated this holiday. I had her deported to Siberia. Commie.

How could she not like the 4th of July? It is almost criminal. I take that back. It is not almost criminal. It is criminal. A celebration of freedom that is accentuated by explosions? What is not to like?

I’ve seen people detonate acetylene bombs in their front yard. Familiar with one of those? Oh, you’re not? Well let just paint the horrific picture for you. A big trash bag full of that fun gas and when it detonates there is a flash of light so bright you blink away retinal blindness for five minutes. And a noise so loud that the concussion wave causes you to temporarily lose control of your bodily functions and motor skills. I never peed myself when I saw one of these, maybe came close to doing so, but I did involuntarily crush a can of beverage when the shock wave hit me.

Now that I think about it, I will blame that moment on my current situation of being follically impaired. I think that shock wave caused all of my hair to shoot out of my head and on to the other people in the area, thus granting them a lifetime of luscious hair. I think I’ll be drawing up a law suit in the coming days against that person.

I once had a person look me straight in the eyes, with a dead serious stare and say to me ‘isn’t all of the color from the fireworks kind of lost on a person like you?’ Obviously, this person knew that I had a fun genetic condition called colorblindness. Obviously, this person was also a minion of Satan. So I tossed some holy water on them and watched as they melted into a puddle of goo just like the Wicked Witch of the West.

They thought they were being either clever or insightful. They were neither. And now they are just a pool of body fluids somewhere around the football field. Take that.

I’ve watched an entire town show up on a rinky dink softball field and conduct their own little fireworks show. Complete with homemade explosives and lots and lots of alcohol. And then I thought to myself, what could possibly go wrong here? Flammable materials? Check. Perception altering substances? Check. That is just the recipe for fun and disaster.

Apparently nothing did go wrong. They have been doing it for so long that their genetic make-up precludes them from getting damaged in the event. Lucky rednecks.

In the end, I really do love this time of the year. A chance to celebrate our country being around for 233 years. A chance to shoot bright, flashy things into the air. And a chance to toss animal flesh onto a hot set of metal and then consume said flesh with the beverage of your choice.

But I would also like to take this moment to send a big, joyous primal scream to a friend of mine that is headed out on assignment in Afghanistan, if I am not mistaken. Chocolate Thunder, you be safe over there. I am looking forward to your Frank the Tank impression in the future.

I guess that is also part of why I love this holiday. Because friends of mine are out there working to make sure that we get the chance to see the 234th birthday for our country. All of you should also take a moment to thank anybody who is serving or has ever served in the military. They have a courage that many of us will never know and a level of respect from me that most people will never ever get.

In the mean time, enjoy the flashy things and loud noises. I know that I will.

This is Pete…

Over and out.