Something dawned on me the other night while I was watching a movie.

 

Hollywood has lied to me.

 

Let me explain.  The movies are a great source of inspiration and emotion.  They can scare, thrill, titillate, amuse, make you cry and pretty much every other human emotion.

But there are certain instances in the history of cinema where moments have occurred or events have transpired that have led me to believe certain things may happen to me in life.  They may have given me hope that there is a fairy tale story waiting for me in the world.

 

But Hollywood lied to me.

And here's why.  Not that I've done any of these things.  Or most of these things.  Or all of these things.  And anyone that says I have done these things is lying.
 

First of all, making a giant, heart felt, impassioned and well thought out speech to a woman that explains all of your faults and mistakes you have made will not win her back.  All it will do is cause the woman to throw all of your admissions back in your face and commence an argument with you of Havelian proportions.  Because no woman on the planet has ever lost an argument.  And then she will have an even further diminished opinion of you.  If you thought throwing yourself at the mercy of her court and groveling will actually work, you are wrong.  She will think you are now a liar and a double-talker that will say anything to get her in the sack.

 

Second, writing a passionate love letter to the woman of your dreams will never cause her to suddenly see you in a different and loving light.  It will make you a hugenormtanic stalker that will probably end up getting more attention from the cops than the woman the letter was intended for.  And don't send flowers with the letter.  That just makes you even more sad.  And don't present the letter to her in person.  She'll probably just pepper spray you.

 

Third, standing outside a woman's house with a boom box, ghetto blaster, or some sort of IPod speaker system blasting sappy love tunes will not sway her affections.  It will make you a desperate sexual predator that will end up with a sign in your front yard telling all children to stay away or you will win a fun white jacket that will prevent you from moving your arms.  Or, if you are lucky, you might even get tazered.  Don't taze me, man!

 

Fourth, the intelligent, humorous, possibly nerdy guy never wins the stunningly hot girl.  Unless he has hundred dollar bills sticking out of his fly.  Girls/women/chicks/babes will almost always go for the good looking guy or bad boy first.  They'll settle for the average looking guy with a great job second.  And if the good looking guy or rich guy are not available, then they pull a Lindsay Lohan.

 

Fifth, no matter how big of a d-bag the good looking ex-boyfriend is to the hot girl, she will never end up in your arms.  Ever.  At least for any significant period of time.  In fact, she will most likely end up back in his.  Even if she cries on your shoulder for hours, any physical affection from her will most likely be chalked up to a moment of weakness or emotional vulnerability.  She wants the guy with the ability to bench press twice his body weight, not the guy with an I.Q. twice his body weight.  You'll just confuse her with big words.

 

Sixth, you are not going to run into that long lost love purely because of fate and sweep her off her feet.  Actually, you might, but she'll be married and have three kids at that point.  Because no woman as attractive as the one that you let get away could possibly still be single if you ever meet her again.  

Seventh, getting subjected to gamma rays, being bitten by a genetically altered spider, falling into radioactive waste or hoping for hidden genes in your body will not make you a superhero.  Of all the pipe dreams Hollywood has told me, this one hurts the most.  I still want to shoot beams from my eyes.  That is why I always wore sunglasses.  I didn't want to accidently have a mutation set upon me and suddenly burn down the town because my eyes were now weapons.

Again, not that I have tried or hoped for any of the above mentions, they are just ways Hollywood has lied to me.  Jerks.

This is Pete,

Over and out.